


So This is Basically Steven Universe Fanfiction

by br42, CoreyWW



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction, Gen, Inspired by Fanfiction, Parody, Reviews, WOW the concept for this makes it hard to tag, relationship tags apply to major major relationships in one or more of the works I cover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-20 19:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12440343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: A tribute to JelloApocalypse's "So This is Basically ..." series, parodies of notable Steven Universe fanfiction.All parodies done with permission from the original authors. Real thoughts on each fanfic in the closing authors notes of each chapter.





	1. So This is Basically Connieswap

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [So This is Basically](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/331119) by JelloApocalypse. 



> This series is based on JelloApocalypse's "So This is Basically ..." series where he does fun parodies of cartoons and various other media. His series can be found [here.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHACfIDFF66rhd6lplzOG_5oOs-ugb8gd) I highly recommend watching it, not just to get the style these parodies are written in, but also because Jello is freaking hilarious and you should throw money at him.
> 
> Also I have some disclaimers. Most of these will be obvious, but here we go: 
> 
> **This is not affiliated with JelloApocalypse, this is just a tribute/parody.**  
> 
> All of the parodies done so far are done with permission from the original authors of the fanfics (I plan on doing this for all future chapters as well).
> 
>  **These are all meant to be good-natured affectionate parodies.** If you see me do a chapter on a fic, you can take it as a given that I think it's worth your time. None of this is meant to rag on a fic, just to have some fun and also get some recommendations out there. At the end of each parody, you will see an author's note of me giving my actual serious thoughts on the work to facilitate this as well.
> 
> And finally, in the interests of disclosure, I should mention most of at least the early chapters will be done on fanfics by people I have since spoken with since I am heavily involved in the SU fanfic community. I try to be impartial in giving my actual thoughts, but it is worth mentioning. Also, the first episode (and some possible other episodes in the future) delve into series I myself work on. I'll be sure to point this out whenever it comes up to make it clear for you all.
> 
> Anyway, with all of that out of the way, let's get into the fun stuff.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connieswap: The Parental Neglect AU
> 
> Original fic by br42, Burdenking, MJStudioarts and myself (full disclosure). [Can be read here.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/630527)

Conniesoup is a Steven Universe fanfic that asks the question "What if instead of Steven as the hero, he was replaced with his infinitely more proactive girlfriend? And instead of the Crystal Gems raising her, we replace them with even _worse_ parental figures?"

Connie is a half-human, half-gem hybrid who has the super power of actually asking questions about things and getting answers, something Steven took, like, 4 seasons to figure out. But to keep the plot from being resolved too quickly, the writers balance this out by breaking Connie emotionally every other sentence.

Parrot Bot is the Pearl of the story since they both like to smother their children. Not literally, but both have enough issues that you should... probably still kinda watch for that.

Lappy-Ritz is the funny but troubled hot one who all the other moms want to bang despite the fact she abandons everyone for long periods of time, then just shows up and cracks jokes like nothing happened, like the episode where Lappy loses Connie at the mall and Lappy goes home and eats donuts.

Rasper is the quiet one who just likes to kill things and has repressed anger issues, which still makes her by far the best parent.

Together they go on fun adventures and collect corrupted Gems and psychological issues Connie will have to go to a therapist about for the whole of her adult life.

Like that time Lappy-Ritz blamed Connie for destroying the Lunar Sea Spire then left to go out for space cigarettes and didn't come back for weeks. Or that time Connie met different parallel versions of herself and watched them painfully dissolve from existance. Or that time she wanted to go to a New Years party and her family went from three moms to two big moms to no moms in the course of a couple hours. ( **DISCLAIMER:** No really, none of those were jokes)

But Connie isn't raised by just three people with issues. No! She isn't raised by five! Does the book count? Is that six?  
_[picture of the Pearlbook printing the number for CPS while Connie dials on a broken house phone]_

Connie's father, Dug, shows us that if you drop out of school, run away from home, and are a stammering dork who's awkward around women, you too can bang a hot demi-goddess and learn kung fu. But Dug's life isn't _all_ nerd wish-fulfillment. After only thirteen short years of abandoning his daughter to be ~~smothered~~ raised by Parrot Bot, Dug realizes he's a terrible father and feels bad about it. Then he starts banging a doctor the Internet has for some reason decided needs all the NSFW art. You have mommy issues, Internet. Get help. **#DugFatherOfTheYear2017**

Citrus is Connie's mother and she's dead. That or she's watching the world through a yellow window set in Connie's chest. Connie, stop wearing turtlenecks; mommy can't see. Citrus was perfect in every way and anyone who says otherwise gets punched into low Earth orbit by Rasper. Citrus led the rebellion against Harblewarble with the help of ~~Rose Quartz~~ Rasper, her bestest bestie who was in every way better than ~~Rose Quartz~~ other people. She also made everyone promise not to tell Connie anything about her powers because she learned parenting from Dug, and abandonment is how Maheswarans show they care.

Conniesoup teaches us that no matter how bad it gets, with open communication, self-reflection, and patience, even the most troubled of families can get their 13-year-old to do all the work of making everyone else's lives better.  
_[star wipe on Connie unpacking a mountain of baggage while Dug, Rasper, Lappy-Ritz, and Parrot Bot play video games]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Corey's Real Thoughts** : So this chapter is what started this whole thing. This was originally posted as a promotional thing for Connieswap's omake collection. It was a silly idea I had and when I brought it up to br42, we both wrote this and clearly had too much fun with it. I mean, I had so much fun I started this series XD.
> 
> So since I work on Connieswap, I'm not gonna give a full review just because, hey, I work on it, I can't be fully objective. I will say I very much enjoy working on it. If you're a fan of Connie or the Homeworld Gems, you should check it out. The first episode is similar to Gem Glow, but after that point, each episode diverges pretty wildly from the canon plotline. I also want to mention that even though the Homeworld Gems are in the Crystal Gems roles, they still retain their real personalities for the most part instead of adopting the Crystal Gems characteristics (Lapis gets the most similarities to her canon counterpart in that she gets some Amethyst traits but ... trust me when you get into it, Lapis's personality and problems are VERY much in line with canon).
> 
> Also, the parody doesn't really touch on this but a version of Steven IS in this universe and if you like Connverse, you'll probably enjoy his prominent role in this as well.
> 
> It's one of the most fun things I've worked on so if any of this sounds interesting, I hope you consider checking it out.


	2. So This is Basically Three Dead, One Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three Dead, One Missing: You can tell from the name that this one's just a feel good comedy romp.
> 
> Original fic by Doc_Cairo. [Can be read here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7568827/chapters/17218999)

Three Dead, One Missing is a Steven Universe story that opens with Connie’s parents already gruesomely murdered and Connie is missing, presumed dead, because the writer decided to take all the optimistic themes of Steven Universe out back and beat them to death with a shovel.

If this premise sounds like it might be an interesting character study of Connie, too bad because our main character is actually Zap Stromboli, a detective from CSI: Beach City who did not get the memo that he’s not in a Raymond Chandler novel.

Zap actually started up as a character from a Splendorman blog. He was famous for once being like "Hey, I bet I know what the Splendorman's weakness is. _BULLETS_! That'll work."

(It doesn't.)

But none of that matters, now he’s in this universe now. Doesn’t mention anything about Splendorman either. He’s just sorta ... here now. And he’s the protagonist. Not the girl whose parents got murdered who we’ve spent four seasons becoming attached to. Nope. It’s this guy.

Watch as our hero Zap does what he can to find Connie’s whereabouts, which takes eight chapters even though the audience figures out where Connie is and basically what happened halfway through the first one.

(Zap’s not a very good policeman.)

Watch Zap fumble through his investigation as he constantly runs into obvious alien lifeforms who aren’t cooperative and never tries to get a warrant or charge anyone with obstruction of justice. I mean, you know, the Gems don’t care about the law but he doesn’t ... really know that? So you’d think he’d try to do something rather than, you know, sitting there and taking it.

(Zap’s not a very good policeman.)

He also deals with cooky people in Beach City like Frylocknaldo, who doesn't trust Zap cause he thinks all government is evil simply because he's watched the news at any point in the past several years #Topical.

Also watch the writer throw in a bunch of references to other shows and webseries, which is very important to the plot because .... um ...

[Sound of crickets.]

Three Dead, One Missing is a dark crime story that makes you interested to see how Zap will solve the mystery, with the constant question of how Connie’s life will ever be the same constantly hanging overhead. I mean her parents are dead, you can't just go back to normal after that, so what is her life like after that? Hang on let me read ahead a little--

[Flips pages.]

... oh. O-okay, nevermind about that then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Corey's Real Thoughts** : So there's only really been a few ongoing fics I've read where as soon as I got a notification a chapter was up, I had to read it right away. This (and for the matter, the episode I plan to do next) is one of those.
> 
> I didn't think I'd like this fic when I first heard about it, to be honest, because I had heard the start is pretty violent ... and it is. And I heard it is pretty dark, which is kinda is as well, but when I actually read it, I got drawn in super quick. Despite the dark subject matter, there is a lot of levity thanks to the main character Zeke. I know a lot of the parody was at his expense, but he is a fun character in this. It is pretty entertaining to see a dark "seen it all" snarky cop who is in this universe that he clashes with constantly and seems to kinda know how out of his element he is. I started to like him right away, which is a compliment since OCs generally have to be really good for me to get attached to them in fanfic.
> 
> It's a very entertaining story. Even though Connie's fate is ... moooostly obvious at the start, there's still enough question marks in this story that you do get surprised by developments later. And watching Zeke get frustrated and suspicious with characters we typically like makes for some interesting drama.
> 
> It's one of my favorite fics, but there is one criticism I should mention that comes up with this story and that's the ending. Now I'm not gonna go into spoilers, but I felt I should mention the ending is somewhat polarizing. Some people really liked it, others said they hated it. I actually liked it when I first read it and I still don't have much of a problem with it, buuuut I can see a little of where people who don't care for it are coming from. However, even if you end up not liking that last chapter as much as other people, it's still a great story and for me personally, well worth your time.
> 
> If you like darker stories or if you're a fan of mysteries or crime dramas, I think you'll really like this one. Like I said, one of my favorites when I was first reading it and is still pretty high up there.


	3. So This is Basically Long-Term Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long-Term Memories: The villain is basically an X-man
> 
> Original fic by SwordtheGuy. [Can be read here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7811854/chapters/17827000)

Long-Term Memories is a laid-back story of Steven and Connie going out on a date and hanging out with the Crystal Gems: Armrest, Pole, and Spinel. Nothing ... weird about that. Not at all.

(I guess Estelle asked for more money so they fired her or something.)

So Connie and Steven fuse, then they remember “Hey, didn’t we live with a fusion who is like ... the most awesome person ever or something? That seems kinda familiar” So they run home and see Spinel there instead of Garnet and are suddenly like “ _THE F**K IS THAT_?!”

It turns out Spinel has the superpower to put herself in people's memories and act like she was there the whole time. You know Rick and Morty, when they did the Mr. Poopybutthole episode? It's like that.

Anyway, Mrs. Spineybutthole apparently just showed up, messed with everyone’s memories, and did something mysterious with Garnet ...

> Mrs. Spineybutthole threw Garnet in the big box labelled “Hiatus.”
> 
> “See you when they get tired of airing Teen Titan’s go reruns,” she said. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be soon, because--” She sputtered and laughed. “ _Psssh_ , oh WOW, can’t even finish that with a straight face.”

Steven and Connie are confused for a bit as to what Mrs. Spineybutthole's plan is, especially since a disproportionate amount of her memory alteration powers seemed to geared towards pairing characters off. So maybe she's not an evil villain from Homeworld so much as she's just an overzealous stalker shipper girl.

> Mrs. Spineybutthole held up her Lappy-Ritz doll next to her Pole doll.
> 
> “‘Pole,’” she said in a mimic of Lappy-Ritz’s voice. “‘Don’t you realize I’ve been the one for you all along? Rose was dumb and smelly anyway.”
> 
> She held up her Pole doll and switched into a flintier voice.
> 
> “‘Oh Lappy, _take me into the deep end_!’”
> 
> Mrs. Spineybutthole mashes the two dolls into eachothers face, making kissing noises before dissolving into laughter.
> 
> “Ahahahaha ... haaaa...” Her voice trailed off into a groan. “ _Stars, I’m lonely_ ...”

Yeeeeeah, that’s not creepy ...

So since Connie and Steven are the only ones who seem to remember the past four seasons correctly, it’s up to the Junior Detectives here to stop her. Oddly enough none of their plans seem to involve A) just telling everyone about it or B) just stabbing her with a big sword cause then this fic would be three seconds long.

> “Wait, I have an explanation,” Mrs. Spineybutthole said. “I--”
> 
> “ _Don’t care,_ ” said Stevonnie as they jammed Rose’s sword into her. There is a huge puff of pink smoke as a tiny Gem fell on the ground.
> 
> Stevonnie dusted off their hands.
> 
> “That’s the end of that-- oh wait, weren’t we supposed to ask her where Garnet was?” Stevonnie said. They considered for a moment before their eyes widened in terror. “Oh, poop.”
> 
> **THE END.**
> 
> _“If I could ... begin to be ...”_

But as scary as Mrs. Spineybutthole is, the real terror comes from the scene where Pearl tries to tell Steven the facts of life and yes, that actually happens. It’s super weird even in context.

Long-Term Memories is a great mystery with an interesting antagonist. Or at least you better think she’s a interesting antagonist cause she appears in like a bajillion spinoffs the writer did after this. There’s one where she has a creepy relationship with Lappy-Ritz, there’s one where she’s Dracula, and then one where she’s just Dawson’s Creek. Doesn’t have any superpowers or anything, she’s just Dawson’s Creek now. _Thrilling stuff._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Corey's Real Thoughts** : This is another one that I eagerly anticipated each new installment of (actually since SwordtheGuy and I actually became good friends over the course of him writing that, I had the privilege of helping edit some of the final chapters). It's a really fun, solid story all around. Everyone is very in character except in instances where their memory was altered on purpose to make them not in character. Especially notable is Connie, Steven, and Amethyst's character (I can't get into why without getting into spoilers, but I'll just say she has some stuff).
> 
> As I've mentioned before, it's usually hard for me to be on board with OCs, but Spinel is one I enjoyed right away. From the first chapter, there is just so much tension with her being there. Not because she ACTS evil, quite the opposite. She seems fine. But the audience (and very quickly, Steven and Connie) just know she's not supposed to be there and have no idea where she came from. Even when some of that mystery is lifted, there's a lot of interesting stuff going on with her. Even though I poke fun, I'm glad Swordtheguy has done other stories with her in them since. (Not sequels, exactly, just like ... AU stuff.)
> 
> Oh, by the way, the spinoff I mention where Spinel "is Dawson's Creek" actually exists and its one of my favorite fics as well. It doesn't have much material on its own for a full episode, but it's well worth your time. It never really took off, which is a shame cause as far as human AUs go, it's a great one. Also it involves fusions being independent beings as well in this human AU too, if you're into that.
> 
> Like seriously, please, go read that spinoff if it seems like it might be your thing. It's call SR and [you can find it here.](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SpinelFic/works/9105340) It even takes place in the same universe as another good human AU fic, "Something About Roommates and Girlfriends" (which don't worry, guys, we'll definitely get to that one soon ...)
> 
> As far as this fic goes, there's really not many flaws I can even point to. The memory alteration thing DOES cause some out of character moments, but it's part of the plot so its fine. It's ... honestly just pretty damn solid. If you like SU fanfics at all, I can't think of any reason you shouldn't read this right away.


	4. So This is Basically Attic Crawl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attic Crawl: Martha, I'm not sure writing journals documenting your many crimes is the best idea if you're trying NOT to get caught ...
> 
> Original fic by BarracudaHeart. Can be read [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7757047/chapters/17688178)

Attic Krull is a story about Lars’s mom, Martha. You know, the nice lady who appeared for like four seconds in that episode everybody hates for some reason. (Matthew Moy’s performance was legit amazing in that episode #GetWoke #IDon’tActuallyKnowWhatGetWokeMeans ).

This story is written by BarraccudaHeart, who writes tons of stories featuring such diverse characters as Lars, Lars, Lars, Lars in a fake moustache, Lars, Lars, and also a couple featuring Lars. But this one is a nice change of pace because it features Martha’s life story ... as read in a journal found by Lars. But, hey, sometimes you gotta stick with what you know.

We find out that Martha was actually a super cool hippie lady during the 1960s which ... doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense from a timeline perspective when you stop and think abou-- I mean, does that mean Lars is like 40? Did he just get held back a lot? Granted, age probably doesn’t mean a whole lot to him anymore because he’s a pink zombie now, but, you know, still...

> “Lars, why are you getting social security checks?” asked Sadie.
> 
> “Mind your own damn business,” Lars said, snatching the check from Sadie’s hand before changing the channel to VH1.

We also find out that in the past, Martha had a relationship with ... let’s see, let’s just spin the Wheel of Shipping here real quick, aaaaaaand ... _Vidalia_? Did ... have they even interacted at all? No? ... We’re still gonna go with that? Oookay. She was in a relationship with Vidalia. And you better believe it ticks all the angsty teen romance drama boxes.

> **CHAPTER FOUR: LIFE IS HELLA STRANGE**
> 
> “Let’s make out,” said Vidalia.
> 
> “True dat,” Martha said.
> 
> Then they made out. But oh no, Vidalia’s parents are assholes about it.
> 
> “F*** YOU, DAD!” Vidalia said. “We’re going to the big concert. The band ‘Band’ is playing and we’re gonna sneak out and see it!”  
>    
>  They go to the concert and sleep together PG-13 style.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Lars looked up from the journal.  
>    
>  “Okay, I guess ... mom smoke a lot of pot when she wrote that last part or something ...” Lars said.

After that she grows up to commit various crimes, abandon children, accidentally drug her future husband, and so on, while you wonder why you like a character who does so many horrible things like all the time.

It might have something to do with the fact that she mellows out when she meets Dante, AKA the buzzkill by-the-book cop of the relationship.

> Mayor Dewey is reading from a file.
> 
> “Forty thousand dollars in damages to city property, two hundred thousand dollars in medical compensation, over one hundred thousand dollars in emotional damages.” Dewey slammed the folder shut, starring daggers at Martha and Dante. “You two better have a good explanation for driving that winnebago through the governor’s mansion!”
> 
> Martha blinked, then said, “... sorry, was that wrong?”
> 
> Dante raised a finger and leaned forward. “We have proof Governor Mendoza is the leader of an international drug cartel--”
> 
> “I don’t wanna hear it!” Dewey said. “ _You two are off the case_!”
> 
> “What?!” Dante said.
> 
> “Bulls***!” Martha said.
> 
> “You heard me. Turn in your badge and piece, both of you!”
> 
> Dante frowned, then removed his badge and sidearm, placing it on the table.
> 
> Martha stood up with a glare, then put her badge and gun on the desk as well. Then she opened her coat and removed her sawed off-shotgun, four grenades, a rocket launcher, and a machete. She placed them all on the desk.
> 
> “None of those are standard issue, Mrs. Barriga,” Dewey said.
> 
> “ _I don’t play by the rules_ ,” she said.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but aside from them not being cops, that actually isn’t _terribly_ far off from how Martha is in this.

Eric Crawl is an interesting grounded story about a minor character who has a tragic and exciting life, and how Lars grows to appreciate her. Too bad the events of this story make me think Martha will get arrested like three days later for the ninety thousand crimes she committed her whole life. Better start cashing those checks now, Lars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Corey's Real Thoughts:** So BarracudaHeart is actually a very good friend of mine. They were actually the first other fanfic author I made friends with in the SU fanfic community because I really enjoyed their work. Attic Crawl is one of my favorites that they've done. (My most favorite by far is [Broken Pencils](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3203600) and the only reason there's not an episode on that too is because the heavier subject matter of that fic was hard to make jokes about tastefully.)
> 
> I really like fics about the normal human characters and this is a really great example of that. There's really not even any normal sci-fi SU stuff in this at all, it's just a really grounded coming of age story, basically.
> 
> Martha's backstory in this is a lot of fun. I would compare a lot of her backstory to Homer's mom from the Simpsons, a sixties radical type of thing. The story is at its best when its going into some of the crazy stuff she did related to that. It's fun to read, but it shows she's very flawed, which leads to a lot of the more questionable things she does over the course of this story to the point that even Lars reading the journals gets steamed about it.
> 
> Another thing I do want to mention that is only briefly touched on is that when Dante shows up, it gets really sweet. Dante and Martha's relationship is a lot of fun in this and how they get together has some pretty creative stuff going on.
> 
> Now, there are a couple minor criticisms I had. It's honestly not a huge deal, but as I joke about, the timeline of this story is pretty confusing once you think about it. Also even though I really like Vidalia's character and I think her early relationship with Martha has some sweet moments (especially early on when I really bad life event happens for Martha), it does go into a lot of typical teen romance stuff during the chapters that focus on that and while it's not done bad, I think it's probably not the fic's strongest element personally (especially compared to some of the more creative stuff that happens with Dante and Martha getting together later). But even so, I don't think it detracts from the overall story much.
> 
> Really good story. If you like fics that focus on the human characters, you should check it out. If you're a fan of Lars, there's no reason not to (in fact you should probably read all of BarracudaHeart's fics if you haven't already since they're really great with Lars stuff). A really good, different story.


	5. So This is Basically The Stranger in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Stranger in Me: This Connie ain't big enough for the both of us.
> 
> Original fic by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9). [Can be read here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9500753/chapters/21496235)

_Strange Theremin_ is a Steven Universe fanfic that isn't really about Steven. Or the Gems. Or Steven's hobo dad. Pumpkin's in there but... who's it about again? 

Oh right! _Stranger Danger_ tells the story of how Connie has to put up with the worst roommate ever, a snobby green paper weight named Ayemrite, after Steven's poorly defined healing powers glue the two together.

Ayemrite was a gem so insufferable that Homeworld told her to go find other planets to colonize and just not... hurry back, ya know? Take your time. On Earth she gets turned into an angry thesaurus who shows off her superior intellect by zerg rushing the enemy stronghold. Great hustle out there. Finally she wakes up to find herself sharing a body with the nicest nerd in existence, who she immediately tries to trick into _accepting the cold embrace of oblivion._

But Ayemrite isn't the only one trying to kill Connie. Playdough --who is... some kind of gremlin?-- will prove her genius by strapping Connie into increasingly dangerous hillbilly tech made from castoff appliances. It's like watching a kindergartner play doctor with power tools. Slap-Ass wanted to drown Connie _before_ she was a walking prison and spends most of the fic glaring at her from the cornfield like the psycho in a slasher flick. Purple Nurple wants to saw Connie in half. Oh Nurple, you scamp!

> Doctor Zoidberg and Playdough stare puzzled at an upside down anatomy chart.

Remember that episode where Connie agreed to stop keeping secrets from her mom about magical gem-sword-danger stuff? Me neither! Connie will hide Ayemrite from her parents by lying constantly and avoiding family dinners. It's like an allegory for teenage eating disorders but without the allegory part because Ayemrite thinks _food is icky._ Hey, I'm sure that off-brand protein bar and pack of Tic Tacs will last you the week, Connie. _Chew slowly._

The real genius of _The Strangler Manatee_ is the dialogue, as Connie and Ayemrite match wits and witticisms one slice of life at a time. Connie's years as a latchkey kid who was raised on books and isolation pay off as she tries to reach Ayemrite through literary references, music theory, and weaponized pop music. Ayemrite, as a former gem explorer and historian, knows everything about the Earth... and hates all of it, a fact she'll tell Connie in ever more elaborate and creative phrases. It's like studying for the SATs... of loathing!

They should be called _Lexiconnie_ and _Erudite_ , eh? Eh? _[crickets]_

Finally, no story is complete without villains to distract you from how terrible, deceitful, or reckless the main characters can be. At school Connie is picked on by Mandy Petti --which sounds like a joke name made up for this parody but... isn't-- who is what you'd get if you crossed Helga Pataki with Draco Malfoy.

> Darla Dimple slides into view.

Then there's Flameo Hotman and Albino Hellboy, two _mysterious_ gems who work for a _mysterious_ organization with _mysterious_ goals... that occasionally show up and try to murder everyone.

> Ronaldo wearing an 'I Want To Believe' flying saucer t-shirt flees while Flameo burns down the fry shop.

_Teenager Ennui_ is a delightful fic that explores deep concepts through a mixture of humor and pathos. It shows us that even the most jaded among us can be redeemed... if you just endure enough near-death experiences, family strife, and borderline starvation.

> Star wipe on Connie sitting up in a hospital bed (with a green gem visible at the neck of her shirt) giving a weak thumbs up while her mom changes her IV bag.

* * *

This parody brought to you by ¡Soy Delicioso! - the all-vegan, gluten-free, carbon-neutral meal replacement bar coated with a delicious, authentic carob substitute. Now with nutramites!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **BR42's Real Thoughts:** I have a habit of gushing about this fic with very little provocation, as the people in the Connie Swap Discord know all too well. This is my favorite ongoing SU fic and is on the short list for my favorite SU fic period.
> 
> It's clever and meaningful and patient and witty. Each chapter earns at least a couple of solid laughs along with any other feels. And Jade, for as much as I rag on her above, is a superb original character.
> 
> If it were just that, I probably wouldn't want to punch Cyberwraith9 in the throat the way I do. 
> 
> No, the reason I'm green as Jade with jealousy is because _TSiM_ is so well-written. I don't mean 'well-written' in the sense that it's creative or well-organized (although it is). No, I mean that Cyberwraith9 can string a paragraph together better than most in the biz and make it look effortless. While he's over there painting a picture with words, I'm making the prose-equivalent of 'paint by numbers.'
> 
> To top it all off, he's a regular commenter in Connie Swap who has also written some great omakes.
> 
> The jerk.
> 
> If you haven't already, go and read [The Stranger in Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9500753/chapters/28006926). It's a superb fic and well worth the subsequent feelings of personal inadequacy. It updates each Monday.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's a good SU fic you'd like me to consider for a future episode, let me know in the comments below :)


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